No it’s not the number one international smash hit Grammy Award winning record by the B-Sharps but the signs that the record was based on. What is the point of them? Why do they exist? Forget 9/11. Forget Stonehenge, or the face on Mars. Baby On Board signs are the greatest mystery/conspiracy of our time. What function do they serve? Does displaying one on your car magically make you impervious to road accidents? Do you honestly expect the driver behind to read them and think ‘Oh they have a baby (or the more annoying version, a ‘young person’) on board in that case I’ll ease off them. In fact I’ll ensure if a tyre does suddenly blow or a cat stray into the road I’ll swerve anywhere but into them.’
I suspect these signs merely exist for new parents to gloat about the fruit of their loins. ‘Look at fellow me motorists, I’m fertile, I got a shag at least 9 months ago!’
It doesn’t work on me though. I hate babies. They shit, spew, eat and sleep. That’s it – that’s all they’re capable of. And they’re ugly. To top it off their puny brains can’t even hold a conversation. Instead you have to guess what they’re crying about. It’s like a real Tamagotchi and you know how annoying they were.
Why can’t new-borns start life around the age of two or three? They are much better looking and have better bowel control. They’re funnier and can – to a degree – talk. You can play with them and don’t have to spend a fortune on nappies, teething rings and clothes that will last just three months.