Be Our Guest

I love hotels. Perhaps it’s THAT smell they all seem to have. The morning breakfast buffets which, no matter where you stay, always seem superb. Or, perhaps, it’s the fact you can watch porn and not have it show up on your bill*. Last week on my London visit I was put up in quite a posh hotel on Bath Road (A4) Heathrow. Its target audience was definitely the executive businessman – just landed from a long Ny-Lon flight. It was a far cry from the Travelodges I normally use. Still, O2 were happy to pay for it, so I was happy to use it.

For a posh hotel it all seemed a tad naff. Maybe it’s my working class roots but walls & floors covered with polished marble just don’t do it for me. Also concerning was the distinct lack of biscuits in the room. Surely business types like a nibble at night?

The first thing that greeted me when I entered the room was a trouser press, sadly I only had jeans otherwise I would have experimented. The room its self was quite small but the bathroom was big. Bizarrely there was a phone next to the toilet! Wow! Why on Earth do you need a phone next to the loo? Do people like to do business while doing business?

I didn’t need to set my alarm that’s for certain, I was woken at 6am by the sound of a multitude of Boeing engines firing up. No complaints though, I soon dozed back off for another few hours before Miss Smeg announced I should get up for breakfast.

Once I did awake I discovered the final secret hidden in the bathroom. As is tradition when I wake I put the TV on News 24. Ironically it was a report on the launch of The O2. I stretched, then padded through to the bathroom where, I realised, I could still heat News 24 clearly. There was a minute of ‘just woken up type confusion’ before I realised there was a speaker for the TV in the bathroom. Genius. Ultimate surround sound and an interior design tip I’m very keen to copy.

*I’ve never actually done this – but it is, no doubt, a handy service for businessmen away from their wives, they can save a fortune on prostitutes.